Harriet goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obituary editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She pauses, looks up to the ceiling, and then says "Well, then, let it read 'Jerry Clarke died.'"

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and says, "In that case, let it read, 'Jerry Clarke died: golf clubs for sale.'"

Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a five iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. A Jesus step up to tee off, but His drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his next shot.

"Jesus!" yells Palmer, "Who do you think you are, Jack Nicklaus?"

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

Three golfing buddies died in an auto accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: "Don't step on the ducks."

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, "The ducks?"

"Yes," St. Peter Said. "There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks, you'll be punished."

The men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking.

St. Peter appeared with an extremely homely woman and asked, "Who stepped on a duck?"

"I did," admitted one of the men. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man to the homely woman.

"I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes, St. Peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man's face, and he cuffed him to the woman.

"I told you not to step on the ducks," St. Peter said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn't stepped on a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man and had with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said, "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman replied: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

A wife and her husband are sitting around one evening, just talking, when the wife suddenly asks, "If I died, would you re-marry?"

"I would," the husband answered.

"You would?" the wife asked, a bit surprised. "Would you let her come into my house?"

"I would."

"Would she be cooking in my kitchen?"

"She would!"

"Would she be soaking in my bathtub?"

"She would!"

"Would she be putting her clothes in my closet?"

"She would!"

Growing more exasperated, the wife continued asking: "Would she be driving my car?"

"She would!"

"Would she be sleeping in my bed?"

"She would!"

"Would she be using my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no, definitely not."

"Why not?"

"She's left-handed."

Her Diary:

We played golf together today. On the way home conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there watching the golf channel. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. After I took my makeup off, I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Awful day at the golf course today! Shot a 94 - can't putt worth a damn!

Got lucky though.